let me be extravagant

2009-03-18T00:22:00.002-04:00

2009-02-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

josh does the flip..

2008-11-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

wow world wide web.
it certainly has been a while.

freeze

2008-04-12T15:15:00.002-04:00

this is cool.

no choice?

2008-04-08T19:05:00.005-04:00

i was reading someone's recent entry regarding a woman's rights concerning her unborn child. i wish that i had gone to that abortion debate, instead of studying. (i wonder which would have been more beneficial?)
it's really quite frustrating though, to argue with someone about the rights of a fetus, especially as a feminist.
i am glad that doctors are changing their minds about these horrific procedures. my new doctor won't do it, won't sign off saying someone else will do it, or even help a patient find help concerning abortions. i'm completely on her side.
you say a woman is simply a vessel if we're going to consider the 'thing' growing inside her to be a human. BUT IT IS A HUMAN! there's finger nails and toe nails, nostrils, eyes, heart. it's a fucking heart! how can you say that it's not human? not alive? not allowed to have a chance.
if you got pregnant, deal with it. there's lots of people who can't. if you can't deal with your child, let it live with someone else.
don't be a murderer.
murderers are selfish cowards.
you selfish coward.
tell me this doesn't resemble a human child..

21 week old fetus, aborted...see the child like face? isn't that what a newborn looks like?

9 week old fetus, aborted...see the finers and toes?

how can you even condone this?

.Pain receptors begin to appear in the seventh week of pregnancy.
.The heartbeat begins on the 21st day after conception.
.Approximately 46 million abortions are performed globally each year.
.Of these, 26 million are said to occur in places where abortion is legal; the other 20 million happen where it is illegal.
.Approximately 26% of pregencies are aborted.

2008-02-11T21:04:00.001-05:00

listen to the postal service mix of feist's mushaboom.

2008-01-22T13:52:00.000-05:00

stimulating?? kind of!

josh's future child

school starts. time wasting begins.

2008-01-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

2008-01-02T12:28:00.000-05:00

best first dance ever

2007-12-04T00:54:00.001-05:00

i showed this to my mom, and she told my bf that he better own it on the dance floor now.
amazing... oh man.

J. P.

2007-12-03T12:59:00.000-05:00

i wish that i had this three years ago.

.........
Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
.........

why is it still weird?
oh yeah.. no closure.
way to be a man.
way to be a woman.

victorian

2007-11-25T13:57:00.000-05:00

jenevive

2007-11-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

6 days

2007-11-22T21:16:00.000-05:00

semester's almost done. it's kinda weird how fast it has gone by. i only have more essay to do.
it snowed today.. which means that if this keeps up, my 8:30 am classes next semester are going to blow. but i guess that's the price that i have to pay as a wmst major, and these are the classes that i have to take... at 8:30 in the morning. yay.
it doesn't feel like christmas is coming so soon. i am definitely looking forward to the break though, and my own bed, cause this one's starting to hurt.

so many friends are getting married now. keeps me thinking about it ALL the time. it's getting kinda ridiculous. after looking at magazines all summer with beth, all i want to do is look at them, cause they're actually kinda neat. there's so much in the planning that i never thought of. makes me want to be planning one really bad.. but i think that needs to be a little while off still.

funny, i had the intention of writing something completely different when i opened up this page to write. yet now that i have this open, i can't remember for the life of me what the heck i wanted to write. it could be that grey's anatomy doesn't help with focusing. good thing that i'm not planning on doing homework for the next half hour. there are ridiculous demands that are made on this show. almost makes it too obvious that it's not real. but that's TV i guess.

wow, university had taught me so much. i can analyze everything in my life pretty well, but i can't analyze philosophical writings by 18th century women. (i guess that's cause i can't understand most of the sentences that they write, which are 10 lines long each. i guess that punctuation wasn't that important in the 1700s.) sucks that this class is really good, i just suck at it.

2007-10-17T23:51:00.000-04:00

les gars, tu me manques

2007-10-01T23:37:00.001-04:00

sister suffragette

2007-09-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

motion paint

2007-09-20T17:34:00.001-04:00

i love television, and i love websites

2007-09-20T10:14:00.000-04:00

2007-06-17T19:01:00.000-04:00

my eyes are tired and my body is sore, but my heart is warm, and that is making everything better.

2007-04-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

bah.
this history exam (take-home..excellent you would think) is eating my soul, as well as my easter weekend.
and my thighs are so hot right now from the lap top that i think my jeans are going to be burned to my skin.

in other news... disagreements completely suck. and crying does not make them any better, only worse.

also. i'm finally getting out of my shitty house in g-uelph... only good thing there was michelle. i want her to come with me, but she doesn't think she can..
my room there looks so empty now.. but my basement here at home is now full.
only three more days where i have to go back, and face the stench of rotty food smell and a rotty kitchen.

i just finished watching Babel with my fam.
worst. movie. ever.
but there was a preview for perfume:the story of a murderer, and i'm stoked to see that. (i also want to read the book).

there's a party at the forkuns tonight, and i'm not there, cause i'm taking time off from the boy. the only reason i know that there's a party there though, is cause he called, but also warned me that he was going to be there too.

ugh. i'm soo confused with everything. and i don't know what to do anymore, or what to think, what to feel, and mostly what to say. i think i've maybe said enough, and words aren't what's needed anymore. but i don't know what else to give.

i miss alison.

o. m. geez

2007-04-02T21:53:00.000-04:00

c'est mardi

2007-03-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

J'adore ma vie.. c'est ritualistique comme l'église. (Point Un: Je déteste la ritualisme des églises).
Je n'adore pas pas vie.. c'est ritualistiqe comme l'église. (Point Deux: Je déteste la ritualisme des églises).
J'adore la bibliothéque.. c'est tanquille. (Point trois: La silence c'est, des fois, assoudissante).
J'adore que mes dissertations sont finis. Soyons finis. (Point quatre: Je ne sais pas assez la verbe finir).

juste une autre minute

2007-03-12T01:57:00.000-04:00

why is it that all the best talks seem to begin way to late at night, when one should be heading off to bed? these are especially stressing when they're talks that go on and on for hours, and neither communicator wishes to stop, even when both know that stopping as soon as possible would probably be a good idea.

First day home

2007-03-03T19:52:00.000-05:00

She says that she came home with two new boobs. Now, this isn't exactly the truth. Well, not entirely. In reality she came home with only one boob, and a huge insicion that has been closed up with lots of neat and perfectly spaced staples. The two new boobs, are just little bubbles, little drain that collect all the junk that's oozing out of the wound while it heals. We all joke, but know that deep down, there is a serious undertone beneath our smiles.
It is good though, that she's home. It's better to be here, where things are familiar, and comfortable instead of the sterile white walls of a hospital that has that hospital smell.
It's hard sometimes though to figure out what to say about it all, hard to articulate feelings properly. Sometimes I don't know whether to cry or not, whether it's appropriate to laugh or not.
One feeling that I do know for sure about though is that I love my mom. She is so important to me, and such a strong influence and representation of a great woman, and I am grateful that she is strong enough to get through all this.. I know that she'll be able to.

bush sucks.

2007-03-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

i miss this girl..

2007-02-28T19:02:00.000-05:00

je veux les savoir, vos plans

2007-02-27T18:33:00.000-05:00

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am. When you leave for good this fall will I be forgiven? And if you want roses, I'll buy a bouquet. If that just won't cut it, well what can I say? You’re what keeps me believing this world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones and the words in my head. They pour out to paper, it's all for you cause that’s what you do, thats what you do. I want to know your fears, and if you'll forget me next year. And when the jets go up and out will your heart stay here? If you could forgive me, for being so brash, well you, you could hit me or whip me, oh I’d savor each lash. You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones and words in my head, they pour out to paper, its all for you cause that’s what you do. No more fighting it is only a waste of our time 'cause soon we’ll be leavin. Will this strength still be mine? I'll look out for you, till I die, 'till I rot. Oh I'll remember you, till I die, 'till I rot.
You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead,strength in my bones and the words in my head they pour out to paper, its all for you. You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones and words in my head. They pour out to paper, its all for you cause that's what you do...

2007-02-27T18:32:00.000-05:00

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

autumn vs. fiction

2007-02-27T18:30:00.000-05:00

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me.
But I'm nothing so good
no, I'm nothing...
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence, of love, and of sorrow.
I beg for just one more tomorrow!
Where you'd hold me down, fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins.

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You dont.

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light,
bleached and blinded by these nights.
Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn
by you, visions of you, then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face,
when i hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that i did was for you...

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you dont see me. You don't.

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You don't.

I'd break in two over you,
I'd break in two over you! Over you
I'd break in two,
I would break in two for you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't.

You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do.

fast

2007-02-27T18:24:00.000-05:00

i feel like i'm falling... falling away.

what happens when someone disappears?
are they forgotten?

eff word

2007-02-27T18:01:00.001-05:00

life sucks.

and all that i want to do right now is get into bed and sleep forever.. and possibly cry.

and i don't think that anyone or anything can really make me happy right now.

S.A.D. much? i think so.

i hate winter. and everything about it, especially the fact that stupid schools decide to put majority of a students school like in the most depressing time of year. as if school didn't suck enough already.

yes. i'm a complainer. but i don't know what else to do right now.

and i have class in half an hour, in the coldest classroom i have ever been in.
shoot me in the face.

oh yeah,, all this, and jen says she has "shitty news". i wonder if i'm out of a house.

eff word.

your comatose conviction means nothing to me

2007-02-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

[ Praxis is the touchtone of our thought.
Minds inform our movement making music with our actions - we are all musicians; dancing to the beat of a thousand different drums - combined in tribal counterpoint - until the chaos is so loud it can no longer be heard, only felt - and these words are not spoken, but they are yelled. ]

All of your words have fallen to the ground.
You have sold yourself to vanity.
I see your masks, falsehood seeps from you.
But I don't believe a single tale from you.
You scream of destruction and of anarchy.
You writhe in the pain of a love once lost.
But I don't buy a word, not one word.
You sell what's true of yourself (for) vain silver.
Every last drop of your blood runs cold; (you) stale cadaver.
When did your heart last beat (you) whitewashed corpses?
Your pulse has faded - your face so pale (you) stale cadaver.
If this is oppression, your heart should be beating.
If you are a warrior, your foe should be bleeding.
If this really hurts you, I should find you weeping.
I've only just met you yet, I find that your comatose conviction means nothing to me.
Choke on your glory.
I won't let you suffocate what now lives.
Art is the depth of our essence, it cannot be void of truth.
The truth of your expression has withered - your wick has become cold.
You cannot buy what's real.
You cannot buy the truth.

flying

2007-01-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

last night, i was looking at the big world map that i have on my wall, and i realized something...

Ghana is really far away.

new

2007-01-24T16:42:00.000-05:00

un autre fois

2007-01-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

bibliothéque encore. sa fait trois fois maintenant. je cais te parler en français seulement pour mel. mel ma belle. tu te manques ma petite.
cetter weekend sera mon anniversaire aver mon petit amie, et je ne said pas quoi faire. les cadeaux sont tellement typiques, et je n'ai pas d'argent pour se dépenser.
qu'est ce que je vais faire alors?
je veux changer ma place d'éducation. l'université de guelph est fantastique, mais je veux etre plus proche a mes amies. surtout plus proche avec melissa. mais l'année prochaine elle va etre en ghana. alors je serais seule encore.
qu'est ce que je vais faire?
je ne sais pas quoi faire. c'est un phrase que je dis plusieurs fois chaque journée, mais aujourd'hui, je le jure que ce sont mest exacts émotions.

bibliothéque point deux

2007-01-16T18:12:00.000-05:00

I wonder is this is going to become a tuesday ritual. Eating gross food in the library waiting for class to begin. Cause as of right now, it sucks.
I long for the comforts of home. For a real home to myself, where I get to chose with whom I want to share it with. I am constantly thinking about what I want for a house one day, and I wish that it were feasable right now. I'm sick of throwing so much money away on renting, when you don't really get anything out of it. This system is lame, and I'm slowly becoming the same as a result of it.
Making this silly sculpture that I had to over the weekend made me realize how much creativiy is really lost in this system. Not just the rental system, but the worldly system in general. Man has created so many things to supposedly make things easier for human survival. Yet so much more has been created out of luxury, not mere survival. I know that this is a typical rant for someone who is slowly beginning to hate the world and most things that it is made up of, but I really believe it too. This world sucks, and living in the luxuries that I've begun to get accustomed to isn't helping. I want to live simpler, and with less things. I have so much stuff that I own, that I really don't need. But I still have a longing for my room to look rad, or to dress less plainly, so it is hard to escape.
(p.s. the quiet section of the library sucks when there's people who have signed out a room to where you're working and they won't keep the door closed..I don't need to hear a lecture that I haven't signed up for!)
I don't know what to do anymore!

And I want to be able to share things, write something neat, intriguing, not boring like the above.. yet nothing ever happens here. Nothing.
But how much happens at home?

I miss mel. Alot.

for my Em.

2007-01-16T18:11:00.000-05:00

do you ever worry that she is going to corrupt him?
for some reason right now, i think about it lots.

Luke 12:24

2006-12-20T15:41:00.002-05:00

24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

2006-12-20T15:41:00.001-05:00

listen to the new mewithoutYou.
it's making my day right now

finito

2006-12-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

latest

2006-12-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

it's not quite finished yet though...
bad picture, i know... think of it in better light..

2006-12-08T00:36:00.000-05:00

am i slightly embarrased that this is my neighbour?
heck no! (tight black pants)

four days

2006-12-07T21:40:00.000-05:00

can i go home yet?

four

2006-12-06T19:57:00.000-05:00

three

2006-12-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

two

2006-12-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

one

2006-12-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

new and old

2006-12-06T18:32:00.000-05:00

2006-12-06T01:35:00.000-05:00

i started painting again.
this is so good..

figures though, that it's perfect timing that any creativity comes back, just in time for exams.. two of which i have on thursday.

oh em geez..

but i don't care because...

i started painting again.

acb

2006-12-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

as cities burn...outro song.
this song is just beautiful.
new cd coming soon, with this on it.
they played this at cornerstone too, at the end of both shows, and it was so amazing.

2006-11-30T16:42:00.001-05:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond mesure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God, your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us, it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine we unconcsiously give other people permssion to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our prescence automatically liberates others.
- Nelson Mandela

creating something out of nothing only to destroy it

2006-11-30T12:07:00.000-05:00

does your conscience ever get you?
last friday was buy nothing day.
did you buy something?
i did. i didn't even think about it at the time. the whole week before that friday, i kept seeing signs everywhere, reminding me. and i thought to myself that i would actually be able to listen to them. i think that it's a good idea. i know that everyone not buying something on one day out of the year isn't going to make a huge change in the world economy or something, but i thought that maybe, just maybe, this year, it would help make me think about how i spend my loonies.
but i ended up buying something. it was as if as soon as i left the university, and didn't have sydney around to remind me (which i'm sure that he would have), the day just didn't seem to exist anymore.
why is that? i mean, i completely supported the day, in mind and heart anyway, but i couldn't stop myself from supporting it in action.
last friday i bought myself dinner. i shouldn't have. i'm a stuggling student with NO money to spend on something so frivilous, and i could have made soemthing at home.
but i didn't.
and i can't figure out why.
why was it so hard to just make something?
making stuff in general seems to be hard lately, and i think that this is true for many people.
and it's not just food.
i have been wanting to make something for tyler's room pretty much since school started and we both went our separate ways. but i haven't yet.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my living conditions, which are constricting, spiritually and creatively... which i believe must go hand in hand.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my lack of time. there's "so much more that i should be doing instead"... i know that school should be a priority, but why is it that i always stop myself from doing something that i love, and that i want to do and pick up some books instead.
and then there's the tv. frig. i hate that box, and love it so much. i wish that i had never seen any shows ever, and then i wouldn't know what i was missing. drama drama drama.
my life has become a tv show, with so much drama in my house, yet i still find time to watch some tv.
eff word.
it's now exams, and christmas is around the corner, and i still haven't made anything for tyler. i managed to get a letter out to him, and to a couple others too. and there have been postcards here and there...
but i haven't created anything.
and i thought that i had all these great ideas!!
but school is over cramping, and my head constantly hurts.
i long some nights to just tear out my eyeballs, or open up my skull, take out my brain and just give it a little bit of rest.
i'm stuck for ideas on what to make this boy.. partially because i want it to be perfect, partially because there's nothing stimulating my mind here.
rain rain rain..
(maybe i'll just make an umbrella or something. at least then it will be useful)
i can't wait to go home.. maybe i'll be able to make something there.. probably not, cause home can be just as bad..
i need some place new. and warm. and filled with light and love.
(cornerstone, come quickly please!)
maybe i'll just start by making every day a buy nothing day, at least as much as i possibly can.
ha, and what a wonderful time of year to start this amazing idea.
i'm such a tool

TURN OFF THE TV

2006-11-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

good books;
the little prince - antoine de saint exupéry
off the map - kika and hib (a crimethinc book)
the empress of the world - sara ryan
white oleander - janet fitch
angela's ashes - frank mcCourt
evasion - another crimethinc book
the perks of being a wallflower - stephen chbosky
the catcher in the rye - j. d. salinger
48 shades of brown - nick earls
macbeth - william shakespeare
postsecret and mysecret - frank warren et al.
memoirs of a geisha - arthur golden
mr. was - pete hautman
the giver - lois lowry
the vagina monologues - eve ensler et al.
the lovely bones - alice sebold
blue like jazz - donald miller
the ragamuffin gospel (visual edition) - brennan manning
tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom
all the hits so far - bradley hathaway
girl, interrupted - susanna kaysen
spilling open - sabrina ward harrison
messy thrilling life - sabrina ward harrison

not a good book;
Canadian Women: A History

i would love to be reading anything but this right now.... but unfortunately, any of the books listed above are not going to help me on my final.

listen good..

2006-11-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

so i was walking throught the UC the other day around lunchtime, and CFRU, our schools radio station was having a noon hour concert type thingy, and were broadcasting live from right there in the courtyard.
and then i heard this amazing band that i've fallen for completely. just a girl and a guy, and some keyboards.
but her voice! oh man.. it's so cool. deep and kinda sultry, but so beautiful.. and it seems so delicate. if you saw her, she looks delicate too, but also the kinda girl that could totally kick your ass.
check them out. they're called habitat..
www.myspace.com/habitation
my favourite song is a tie between next year and snow song.. next year is the only song that i heard them play live, and it was recording perfect..
guelph. you have saved yourself from disappointment by producing these two kids.

lamb

2006-11-28T12:02:00.000-05:00

"what is that sound,
ringing in my ears?
the strangest sound i've heard for years and years
the sound of two hearts,
beating side by side
the sound of one love
that neither one can hide.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
what is that sound,
running round my head,
funny i thought,
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
beacuse there's someone,
who made it beat again.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
what is that sound?
ringing in my ears
what is that sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of one love
that neither one can hide."

this song is sung so delicately it soars right through me like a sweet nectar.
i've found myself falling in love with old songs again and again recently.
this is probably because i've also found myself losing everything and just escaping with a pair of headphones and just dreaming days away.
time is moving too fast here at school, and then end is coming all too quickly. but at the same time, it's not going fast enough. i just want to be done, and free of this institution's rules and deadlines and find the real world.
but then again, the real world is filled with even more deadlines. and even more rules.
last night i was talking with someone very special to me about what heaven might be like.
our heads began hurting just trying to imagine what forever is really going to be like.
forever is really long time, and i'm so grateful that forever isn't going to be like this..moving to fast or too slow.
forever is going to be perfect.

dogwood

2006-11-27T18:12:00.000-05:00

a new favourite: paul berthon and eugene grasset

2006-11-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

2006-11-06T18:49:00.000-05:00

i need to be enlightened...
renewed.
inspired.
rejuvinated
anything.

2006-11-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

j'en ai besoin de quelques bonnes memoires pour vous...
serchez le cerveau

C# minor scale

2006-11-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

i wish that i could be in peterborough right now, watching mel sing.
it's weird being in this house, cause i feel awkward just breaking out ina ny type of song, or even singing along with music.
i miss people who appreciate it as much as i do.
i miss singing with my bests.

i guess i'll just carry on

2006-11-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

i would kill for some inspiration right now.
something to make me feel better.
this house is stifling, and not in a warm way.
but instead i just have cold feet and cold fingers and tired ears and a tired heart.
i want to come home. home with my Father, so i don't have to feel like this anymore.
no more hurt.
no more ignored.
no more overlooked.
no more silenced.
no more cold.
no more pain.
no more questioning.
just no more.
cause i'm really sick of it all.
but right now, that's all i have.

2006-11-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

i miss sydney healey..
please come over to play sometime!!!

bibliothèque

2006-11-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

so here i am just sitting in the library, waiting for class to come sooner so that i can get my midterm back.
i probably should be studying, since i stayed home this morning to do just that and ended up sleeping instead..but i guess my body needed it.
what my mind needs right now though is for someone to program it and for it to be 100% knowledgable in all things anthropology. safe to say i'm somewhat screwed, but as long as i pass i'm ok with that.
living is getting better, not easy. i've realized that there's always going to be problems of sorts, wherever you are.. even if it's with people that make you the happiest.
nothings going to be super perfect, or even close at all.
i was really not too happy earlier this week, with stuff going on in my life that sucked, but it's nice to know that mom's are always there to get you through..

i'm such a cheeseball.. and this post is stupid and pretty random. i'm kind just writing for the sake of writing, with nothing really important to say.. ugh.
i'm friggen lame.

more to come later.. hopefully something better, cause this is just dumb.

i have words that are longing to come out, but i just have to make sure that i'm ready to share them with the world.

beautiful

2006-10-16T17:35:00.000-04:00

had to come back to crappy school from a very busy weekend..
had to come back and to a crappy assignment that really sucks..
had to spend the WHOLE day doing the assignment, cause it's takes to long..
finally finished though, and then found today pic from nasa..
brightened my day.
thank You.

2006-10-12T12:07:00.000-04:00

i long for the words..
to tell you all how i feel.

oh septmber, how i abhor you

2006-09-28T11:45:00.000-04:00

one month in and i'm dying.
school's not even that hard this year. acutally, even though i have more courses than either semesters last year, and i'm actally keeping up with most of my readings, this year isn't going to well so far.
i should have listened to my family when they said that moving in with 5 other girls wasn't a good idea. i can't stand it anymore. girls are gross. our kitchen smelled like something died in it yesterday, and there's always dirty dishes everywhere. now i don't want to just sit here and complain all the time (which unfortunately seems like it's all i do about this darn house..sorry) but i just don't understand how girls who i thought were pretty tidy, considering their need for a perfect looking room all the time, could possibly be so disgusting. i am so grateful for the room that i have though, because it's such a great escape. i may be making it seem like i'm antisocial or something, but i'm just not like the rest of them. i'm also grateful that michelle is in the house. she's the only one who makes the effort to come all the way up to my floor, and to include me in things. is it wrong if i start feeling bad becuase they've stopped asking me to do stuff with them? of course, it's things that i'll say no to, like going to this kegger tonight.. but still. it's like i'm the roommate that they don't really know. another person added to the group to lower the rent a little. i just wish that sometimes the other girls wouldn't forget about me. i may be quiet around them, becuase i don't like talking about what they're talking about, or i don't want to start some kind of debate, because we have majorly different beliefs, morals and values, but that doesn't mean that i should be ignored. supposedly we're only supposed to have 4 people living in our house, so right now we're two over the limit. if two have to leave, i wonder if it would be me. of course i know who i'd want to leave, to make this house a little more pleasant, but if it were me, what would i do? quit school for this year? go work somewhere at home? there's no way that anyone could find another reasonable place to live now, or especally in the middle of the semester. and commuting is out of the question.
eff word. this sucks. it all sucks.
at least i have michelle. and tuesdays are awesome with erin, cause we have no problem discussing how this school and everything around it could be so much better and everyone's retarded. (oh no.. we're not cynical..yet).
thank goodness josh is coming for the weekend. i need something to trust in.
i need to paint something.
eff.

2006-08-31T15:35:00.000-04:00

2006-08-29T17:40:00.000-04:00

oh for the love of shoes

2006-08-08T18:35:00.000-04:00

now i'm a lover of all things footwear.. if you know me, you know i have a small addiction of buying shoes.. my most recent purchase, just last week, of paisley rubber boots....my friends are constantly telling me to quit, and my boyfirend has started rationing my purchases, putting some restraint on my debit card...
so if i can't buy them, i still look at them without feeling any guilt.
until recently, when i came across this ad for keds, complete with a mischa barton body shot (more about her and less about the shoes i might add)..
this is what the ad said.
(headline): COOL IS FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION.
(content): Go ahead and wear your heart on your sleeve. Say it, sing it, use a pen, a typewriter, paint a picture, make a movie. The world is your canvas; and look, it's an enormous canvas. Freedom of expression goes from the top of your head all the way to your choice of words, your choice of style, your choise of Keds. Coolness is what you do with it.
Express your right to coolness by going to www.keds.com/mischabarton now.

how disgusting is this. i buy shoes cause i love them, not to have them make me any cooler. shoes are not a defining feature about me, especially when i can be perfectly content sans shoes.
this ad had awesome stuff to say.. too bad it was only to sell something.

erg

2006-06-19T20:47:00.000-04:00

i feel so lost in this place.

oh for the love of summer

2006-06-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

whaooti!

2006-05-15T15:50:00.000-04:00

i got into my drawing class!!
heck yes!

i'm stoked.

now if only my computer would get some stinking internet.
i want to post pictures.

erin gave me a polaroid.
because of it, picture taking has been too much fun.
now if only my life wasn't completely filled with work and work and more work.
no weekends, or any late nights for me.
gotta get out.

i'm missing my girls (and adam..haha)... but i'm so glad to be home.

started wednesday night soccer games. i hate soccer, but we have so much fun!
started reading isaiah with everyone. frig. such a cool book. makes you really think about how amazing and huge God really is. incomparable to anything else. so nuts.
going to start my third book this summer. i can't believe how quickly i'm getting through them.
going to start painting..joel and heathers wedding will come up sooner than i'll have time for. i can feel it already. so stoked to see what it's going to look like.
i think that i might make another blog.
sketchbook stuff. have all the pages already loaded into my computer.. but just need resizing and internet.

oh geez. i'm hating this post already... it's looking like one of those retarded teenybopper blogs... but it's just to help me organize my mind.

but still.. so stoked for drawing class.

ahhh summer

2006-04-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

le petit prince c'est mon préférée

2006-04-18T23:48:00.000-04:00

"if someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all millions and millions of stars, it is enought to make him happy just to look at the stars. he can say to himself: 'somewhere, my flower is there...' but is the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened..."

"it is such a secret place, the land of tears."

"flowers are so inconsistant! but i was too young to know how to love her..."

"'where are all the men?' the little prince at last took up conversations again. 'it is a little lonely in the desert...'
'it is also lonely among men,' the snake said"

"and now here is my secret, a very simple secret: is it only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"'no one is ever satisfied where he is', said the switchman."

"'only the children know what they are looking for,' said the litle prince."

"...the stars, the desert - what gives them their beauty is something that is invisible!"

"but the eyes are blind. one must look with the heart..."

"one runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed..."

"the thing that is most important is the thing that is not seen..."

"'all the men have the stars,' he answered, 'but that are not the same things for different people. for some, who are travellers, the stars are guides. for others they are no more that little lights in the sky. for others, who are scholars, they are problems. for my businessman they were wealth, but all these stars are silent. you - you alone - will have the stars as no one else has them.'
'what are you trying to say?'
'in one of the stars i shall be living. in one of them i shall be laughing. and so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night.. you - only you - will have stars that can laugh!'
and he laughed again"

"for a long time you had found your entertainment in the quiet pleasure of looking at the sunset...
'i am very fond of sunsets. come, let us go look at a sunset now.'"

"but on your tiny planet, my little prince, all you need to do is move your chair a few steps. you can see the day end and the twilight falling whenever you like...
'one day,' you said to me, 'i saw the sunset forty-four times!'

grownups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
-antoine de saint exupéry

rules

2006-04-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

number one:
celebrate pooBROWN's special days.
this includes birthdays, ice cream days, first dates and storms.

this is for my alex.

1928-1987

2006-04-18T23:38:00.000-04:00

they always say that time changes things,

but you actually have to change them yourself.

-andy warhol

mindless hazards

2006-04-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

stop your mindless consuming.. ahh a typical syd thing to say, and many would just let it go in one ear and out the other.
but he's right. we are mindless consumers, with neverending money to spend, and we spend and spend and spend.
but one thing that i want to know is if we are also mindless lovers.
what is a mindless lover anyway? is that like a one night stand? an "i'm going out with you because you like me, not because i like you too"? is it, we're going out becuase all our friends are, and we're the last two left? is it, we're together still and really don't know how? or is it we are so devoted and helplessly in love with each other we're crazy?
crazy.
i hope that we're not mindless lovers. we throw the word love around like mad, i know this. i told myself that i wanted to be more careful, yet i still find myself saying that word so much, and for trivial things too, which i probably don't love.
what has language become?

you scallywags, you crazy ones

2006-04-17T16:52:00.000-04:00

Brothers!
Think of what you were when you were called!!
Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.
BUT GOD CHOSE THE FOOLISH THINGS OF THE WORLD TO SHAME THE WISE; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world, and the despised - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written: Let him who boasts, BOAST IN THE LORD!

1corinthians.1:26-31

not a choice

2006-04-17T16:29:00.000-04:00

cheese ball and spinach head

2006-04-17T16:28:00.000-04:00

sheer foolishness, this is not

2006-04-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

to put our hope in anyhting other that Jesus Christ is sheer foolishness.
trust in Him. all else is a waste of time.
people bless you with their mouths but inwardly they curse you. don't be so surprised when people let you down.
never think of a human being as a refuge and comfort.
don't put your trust and hope in people.
my soul finds rest in God alone. He only, is my salvation, refuge, hope and rock.
though your riches increase, do not set your hearts upon the.
don't trust in money. don't trust in treasure on earth because your treasure is where your heart is.
my soul waits for silence in God alone.
there is only one authority in the universw to which all others will bow: Jesus Christ.
He is the only sure thing and what He says is the only sure thing.
the richest people in the universe are those that know Jesus Christ. they hold the key to life and happiness.
God is our stronghold. our rock. our fortress. our power that cannot be shaken.
there is nothing that can topple the power of God.
build your life on the rock, not on sand, and it will stand the test of time. put everything on a solid foundation.
SELAH - listen; reflect; breathe; take time; pause, and think about it.
be careful, you may be building a wall that is just going to fall down tomorrow and isn't going to do anything for you today.
psalm 62
if Jesus isn't first on your list, then you are missing out on the best relationship of time and you are wasting time.
You are the One that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
My soul rests in God alone. My soul rests in God alone. My sould rests in God alone.
He is the faithful One.
God waits for us in the silence.

Psalm 62
Song of Trust in God Alone
A Psalm of David.

1 For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall never be shaken.

3 How long will you assail a person,
will you batter your victim, all of you,
as you would a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
4 Their only plan is to bring down a person of prominence.
They take pleasure in falsehood;
they bless with their mouths,
but inwardly they curse. Selah

5 For God alone my soul waits in silence,
for my hope is from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
7 On God rests my deliverance and my honor;
my mighty rock, my refuge is in God.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah

9 Those of low estate are but a breath,
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
10 Put no confidence in extortion,
and set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, do not set your heart on them.

11 Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
12 and steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord.
For you repay to all
according to their work.

first star i see tonight

2006-04-11T17:45:00.000-04:00

i wish for a polariod camera for summer adventures.

why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

2006-04-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

"despite the glaring, absolutely indisputable, alsmot hope-extinguishing evidence demonstrating how the entire living biosystem is being traded away in green-frenzied speculative markets by soulless haords of sociopathically arrogant hyper-capitalists - i seem, nevertheless, to be filled with a profound and enduring sense of optimism which i attribute to the fast that this earthly dimension is still home to courageous, persevering, virtuous, compassionate, ever-so-lovely, visionary, conscious and dissident spirits such as you!"

i believe that the boy that sent this to me will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter what has happened.

beautiful

2006-04-07T14:12:00.000-04:00

i'm in love with derek hess, and every single work that's come from his pen.
see it here

romans 12:2

2006-04-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

today in class we discussed these 'subsitive posts' that's we have been writing all semester. i realized that my rants and ramblings were probably not necessarily what alan's wanted. this one too, perhaps, will fall into that category as well.
i admitted that i don't read the newspaper, or watch news on tv. i don't look up things out of random on the internet, and tend not to follow most political ongoings of the world. and i really don't know why either.
i try not to conform to the everyday ideals that society has set up. i think lots of people say that. but as a christian i believe that it's even more important that i don't follow all the stupid trends and everything out there. they're not right ( well, they're not wrong either too i guess), and they're not going to help me in any way.
but i also think that by not looking into the happenings of everything around me, i'm not learning anything. sure i'm going to class, and learning stuff that way. but it's history, and geography, and less about analyzing and thinking. it's 'know your facts' not 'what do you think?'. i'm not renewing my mind at all. i'm not learning anything that's going to help me in the future, unless i want to become a teacher. now i'm not saying that being a teacher is a bad thing, i just don't want to be one. i want to be important, and make an impact somewhere, but i feel like i'm not going to be able to reach anyone. not going to be able to relate.
i used to art for my teachers. now i'm learning that i need to do it for me. i'm learning that it doesn't matter what they think. i've learned this semester that some of them are crazy, and i'm not going to improve at all if i listen to what they have to say. if anything, they've made me want to quit. but i'm not going to do that. i'm just not going to take any more classes where there are so many restrictions, and every student comes out with the same painting.
that's not going to get me anywhere.
maybe just talking with my friends who are 'expanding their minds' to worldly things will give me my fill of socieities politics.
university. oh geez. what have you done to me.
i've never been so bored in my life. the readings have not been stimulating, so i usually don't do them. i'm not motivated, especially this week, because we're at the end.
what have i gotten from this besides an empty bank account.
this summer, i want to renew my mind. in every way possible.
think and talk and do.
and create. but just for me. and if it all sucks, i'm going to keep it and change it and make it something beautiful.
ugh. i need out of this cement prison and into a field to dance in my barefeet. just some time with me and the earth and the sky. and nothing else.
no world.
no books.
no computer.
no conflicts.
help me Father.
i want to be renewed in You.
i'm afraid that being here has made me start to conform where i don't want to. i want to start afresh. and come back in the fall the person that i want to be.
i think that you're supposed to 'find yourself at university'. i think that i've found what i don't want.
but i'm going to try again.

je m'excuse

2006-04-07T12:46:00.000-04:00

"don't say you're sorry because sorry means something is wrong." (.moneen.)
poeple say sorry all the time. i wonder if that means that there is always something wrong. and where is that wrong? between the person who is saying sorry and whoever they are saying sorry to? or is it just anywhere in the world? and could there be something wrong between two people, and no 'sorry' has been said by either? and how can we fix these wrongs? especially when you want them fixed fast. i wish that everything could be so much more simple that it all is.

and i'm sorry, if i ever hurt you. honest.

lost and found

2006-04-05T01:30:00.000-04:00

Emma’s post about being able to break up with a friend really got me thinking. She makes complete sense. It is completely natural to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but when it comes to a friend, why does it have to be awkward or difficult?

A friend of mine recently approached me with a problem she was having with one of her friends. My friend, we’ll call her Casta, said that she had received a letter from her best friend, we’ll call her Best (cheesy I know). I guess the two of them had been having problems in their relationship that Casta wasn’t aware of. The letter from Best was pretty much a break up letter. Casta was shocked, both because it was unexpected and break up letters from friends just aren’t very common. Casta became quite flustered, and wanted to know, from me, if the things that Best had accused her of were true. Now this is where things became difficult.

I want to first say that I love my friend Casta. She is an amazing person, and an excellent friend. However, over the last year or so, we have drifted apart. We are still friends, although probably not as close are we were last year. School, work and distance have joined forces to weaken our friendship, but it is still there. We’ve had our ups and downs, fun times and disappointments along the way. But through all of the bad times, I never actually thought of dumping her. I guess I just don’t work that way. I want the best of things, and I didn’t want it to end. I tried to talk things out with her, and it has worked.

(Now I know that this now sounds contradictory to the above statement when I said that friend break ups should be natural. I still agree with that, but I guess that I would rather try to work stuff out first.)

I’ve never really been part of a friend break up. I’ve lost friends, but it’s usually through distance and just drifting apart. But I also believe that maybe that is what is supposed to happen. Maybe those friends that have drifted away from me aren’t supposed to be in my life right now. Maybe they were one of those moment or season friends that people talk about, not the lifetime ones. I think most people who lose friends without a big dramatic break up don’t even get bothered by the fact that they’ve lost friends. I could just be that natural.

I feel bad for my friend Casta. She shouldn’t have had to have that break up come so unexpectedly. But who knows, maybe it was for the best. Maybe she has something better coming along.

dance dance

2006-03-20T00:39:00.000-05:00

oh sarah. formal was fun. this was funnier cause she's at the table by herself, and thinks that no one is watching her.

this should work now. it's unlocked.

2006-03-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

if we let ourselves be truly seen, then we can be truly loved.

-sark

reva, you're a good friend

2006-03-12T23:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve the title of being a ‘good friend’. What makes someone a good person? I was just reading some letter that I’d gotta about a year ago, from friends travelling far across the ocean. Both had said that I was a good friend to them. What does that really mean? I mean, one of then said it was because I made them a personalized cake and card, and the other said that it was because I would listen when no one else would. Is it the little things that define friendship? I don’t usually think ahead to what a person’s response is going to be if I do something for them. I just think that maybe it would be nice, and that if it were someone doing it for me how I’d enjoy it as well. Trying to follow the way of living the same as Jesus did helps, but I believe that I struggle in that way more that just treating people the way that I would. But I guess that was one of His teachings as well. Seems kind of silly to me, refering to the ‘golden rule’ of do unto other.. etc, but seriously, when you think about, why wouldn’t you follow that rule. And I don’t want to get all preachy on people, cause I’m not like that. ( I mean, I’ll share if you want me to, but I’m not about to force it on anyone). But I don’t understand why people think that Jesus wasn’t all that he was cracked up to be, and don’t relaly care about what he did. If you don’t believe, put aside the fact that [I believe] He the son of God. He did teach good things. Smart things. Teaching that I think would make the world a happier place. He talks about love, and faith, and what’s really so wrong with those two things? Living with love isn’t going to hurt anyone is it? And what’s more, his teachings were so simple. It’s not a huge struggle to follow them. I believe that it’s all excellent guidance, and people who read it and throw it away because “it’s only for jesus freak” aren’t as wise as they think that they are. You don’t have to be a believer to understand that he was a loving man, and wasn’t about going against people. He just wanted to improve our lives. I also think that lots of people take the parables as made up stories, but when you read them, you can see them actually happening. These are events that can happen to everyday ordinary people. You don’t have to be hugely important, and none of them have any mystical components to them at all. They are all relevant stories. Following the guidance of these stories, I think, can help make you a better person. I guess they can help you to be a better friend as well. The funny thing, for me, is that I’m only really digging into these stories just now, and that I was labeled a good friend a while back. Maybe you don’t need the stories to improve the way you treat people, but it sure is going to help. The next time that someone tells me that I’ve been a good friend to them, I’m going to thank them, and in my head and heart, I’m going to that Jesus, cause man, You’ve been a good friend.

you want to know someone's heart? listen to their words

2006-03-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

i was hurting so much
and i was cut down, like a treein the forest, a living thing being torn apart.
cut deep, dark, a cold chain ripping me, slicing open,
to the point where i almost wanted to cut myself down
just to see the blood and the pain drip away, so i could try and forget it all. never go back. be gone
but then i remember. i remember
i remember that someone bled for me. FOR ME.
that someone could bleed more that i could even imagine.
with holes in your hands, you fillend the hole in my heart.
a perfect lining, a perfect plug, the most perfect thing to complete the empty space.
and i wish that everyone could see, and
that everyone could experience the love that You gave to me.
the love that You gave to us, the love that is here for all.
you died so that i may live, that we may live, and have eternal life
and i can hardly even fathom it.
how could it be possible? how could You willingly walk into the hands of death?
how could You love that much? so much that You would be tortured, torn apart, cut down like that tree, a chain ripping you apart?
metal on skin, metal through skin
and i don't understand why You did it, but i am forever grateful, and i'm thankful that i'm forgiven.
i never actually saw you bleed, but i believe. i'm thankful that i believe.
so thankful.
eternally.

F5 - incredible damage

2006-02-10T17:21:00.000-05:00

Where has people’s creativity and courage gone to these days? Is no one adventurous anymore? Spontaneous? What the heck! Everything around me has become so boring, that it’s become hard for me to be imaginative anymore.

Last week in my geography class, we learned about how tornadoes form. Personally, I think that tornadoes are pretty darn radical. I mean, come on, just to think that a little wind circling in different directions can quickly pick up speed, and create winds of 450km/h? Yeah, I guess people get pretty freaked out by their destruction, but that comes with any natural disaster. It’s why they’re called DISASTERS. Anyway.. while our prof was talking about tornadoes, he asked if anyone had ever chased one before. No one put their hand up. Then he asked if anyone ever wanted to. Out of almost 300 kids, I was the ONLY person who put up their hand. I was completely shocked. Of all those people, was I the only one with the guts to go out and find a tornado? It’s not like I’m going to get and get myself sucked up into one. Obviously I’m going to be completely prepared for it, well, as much as I could be, and educate myself enough to understand how they work.

So I guess I’m wondering if people lose their sense of adventure as they grow older. It seems plausible. The younger generations are where the imaginations are, and I guess that’s why I’m afraid of growing up. I don’t want to lose my creative or adventurous side to old age, and everything that goes along with it. At home I have come pretty crazy friends, all who are as bold as the fearless 7 year olds that I worked with all summer. They don’t usually think about anything twice before going ahead and doing it. I don’t know if that makes them stupid or ingenious. Personally I think that they’re pretty smart. Sure I may seem biased, them being my friends and all, but in all honesty, I think that it’s the risk takers that experience life moreso than those who are afraid. They are the one’s that aren’t afraid to try new things, and they are the ones who show me that I don’t need to second guess myself on new things.

It was these friends that showed me that I don’t have to be afriad to go after things that I enjoy in life. I don’t understand how people can just wonder their way through life, not trying new things, never straying away from the path that they’ve set out for themselves in life.

love is...

2006-02-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoies whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

There are three things that will endure - faith, hope and love - the greatest of these is love.

-1 corinthians 13:4-7, 13

but the eyes are blind. one must look with the heart

2006-02-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

"If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats his flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened." -le petite prince, antoine de saint exupéry

If you have never read the book The Little Prince, I really encourage you to do it. It is a simple story, originally in french, about a little prince and his travels, far away from the little planets that he lives on. One story within this book is about the love that he has for his flower back home. He meets many people (as well as other animals and plants..they can talk..) along the way, and from each one he learns a little bit more about life, and mostly about love. He encounters many different characters, each that have their own love in their lives. Counting stars, themselves, alcohol, and people who had silly jobs, but just couldn't pull themselves away from them. The little prince learns from all of these people that he really just wants to go home and take care of what he loves, his little flower.

I don't think that love can really be explained, especially if it's a feeling. The little prince loved his flower so much; he would do anything for it. He covered it at night to protect it from animals, watered it daily, and made a screen to get the most sun, and protect it from winds. He missed his flower so much when he was away from it, and his precious little flower was constantly on his mind. In the beginning, he believed that his little flower was the only of its kind, until he came to earth and found a whole bunch of his little flowers (they were roses). Even when he realized that there were more in the universe, and his little flower wasn't unique, he still loved it. Even though his little flower was demanding, he still loved it.

This book taught me a lot about the different types of love that people can feel in the world. At church we learn about love, intimate, brotherly, and Godly.. but there are so many more types out there too. Even the words 'love' itself can have so much meaning, sometimes more than people think. Even the dictionary can't set a finite definition for the word. It explains that love is 1.great affection for a person or thing, 2. a passionate desire for someone, 3. to like (to do something) very much, 5. a deep feeling of sexual attraction, and many more.. There are so many definitions, yet none fit with how the word is just thrown around in society today.

The world love (and hate, but that's something entirely separate) needs to be cherished now, more than ever. I think that people should almost stop using, unless they are really going to stop and think about what they are about to say before they use it. I know that's a ridiculous request, and I don't think that I could even stop using it carelessly, not without incredible patience, but I DO think that people use it without understanding what it really means, or figuring out what it means to them.

I know that there isn’t a sure definition of the word love, but I believe that each person has their own interpretation of what the word means to them. Sometimes it is a way to descirbe your favourite thing or that immense feeling that you have toward something, and you know of no other way to express it. I just know that it’s a beautiful word that needs to be used for those beautiful situations. And love can only come from the heart

le 21 janvier 2006

2006-01-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

comeback kid and josh madryga are my heroes..
best saturday afternoon EVER.

Matthew 5:44

2006-01-21T01:22:00.000-05:00

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those that persecute you!

10 commandments

2006-01-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

thou shalt have no other gods before me

thou shalt not have no graven images

thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain

remember the sabbath and keep it holy

honour thy father and mother

thou shalt not kill

thou shalt not commit adultery

thou shalt not steal

thou shalt not lie

thou shalt not covet

black rose district

2006-01-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

black rose district was the name of the roughest part of ghetto life in the late 1920's. "From the womb to the tomb" was the prase coined at every baby's birth in the BRD. Once you were born there, your chances of pulling yourself up and out were slim to none.

we can survive things in our lives that hold us down.

whether you've already defeated your demons, or are currently fighting to overcome, take pride in the struggle until your last breath.

blackrosedistric.com -- buy to support

the only purpose of my staying here is to stay a little longer

2006-01-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

how long are we supposed to be here? is life extended past a certain point because we are each supposed to do something really important or something? some life changing experience or event that we are supposed to take part in? are we supposed to each be a huge influence in the life of someone else? have i been a big enough influence on someone in this world? did i make a difference in that man's life that i and some friends took out for dinner? he was homeless and we bought him some dinner. did i impact his life enough for him to always remember me and my friends? or was it completely useless? did a filled stomach from some strange kids change the was this man now lives? and what kind of impact am i supposed to be making here now? that was a couple years ago, yet i still remember it, crystal clear actually. i don't feel like i'm making much of a difference here. i'm learning so much, but what for? i haven't decided on a major, or what i want to do with this education. am i just wasting my and my parents hard earned money. i worked my butt off to get here and i guess that i'm doing ok, but the motivation to do anything has worn off already.. one week into new classes and i just want to paint all day again. at home i never had the longing to paint all day.. so why is it that i only have that feeling when i'm spending ridiculous amounts to live on my own. maybe that's just it. i needed the independance to find myself. but i've only found that i just want to paint. ugh.. too bad that the only time i have for it (realistically) is supposed to be spent on the assignments for my painting class. portraits. awful. self portraits. even worse. everyone around me says that i did a fantastic job, but i hated it. and yes, mpst artists, especially young ones say that they hate their work, but i usually like my stuff. maybe my impact on other's lives should be put forth in my paintings...i guess we'll see.