Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond mesure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God, your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us, it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine we unconcsiously give other people permssion to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our prescence automatically liberates others.
- Nelson Mandela

creating something out of nothing only to destroy it

does your conscience ever get you?
last friday was buy nothing day.
did you buy something?
i did. i didn't even think about it at the time. the whole week before that friday, i kept seeing signs everywhere, reminding me. and i thought to myself that i would actually be able to listen to them. i think that it's a good idea. i know that everyone not buying something on one day out of the year isn't going to make a huge change in the world economy or something, but i thought that maybe, just maybe, this year, it would help make me think about how i spend my loonies.
but i ended up buying something. it was as if as soon as i left the university, and didn't have sydney around to remind me (which i'm sure that he would have), the day just didn't seem to exist anymore.
why is that? i mean, i completely supported the day, in mind and heart anyway, but i couldn't stop myself from supporting it in action.
last friday i bought myself dinner. i shouldn't have. i'm a stuggling student with NO money to spend on something so frivilous, and i could have made soemthing at home.
but i didn't.
and i can't figure out why.
why was it so hard to just make something?
making stuff in general seems to be hard lately, and i think that this is true for many people.
and it's not just food.
i have been wanting to make something for tyler's room pretty much since school started and we both went our separate ways. but i haven't yet.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my living conditions, which are constricting, spiritually and creatively... which i believe must go hand in hand.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my lack of time. there's "so much more that i should be doing instead"... i know that school should be a priority, but why is it that i always stop myself from doing something that i love, and that i want to do and pick up some books instead.
and then there's the tv. frig. i hate that box, and love it so much. i wish that i had never seen any shows ever, and then i wouldn't know what i was missing. drama drama drama.
my life has become a tv show, with so much drama in my house, yet i still find time to watch some tv.
eff word.
it's now exams, and christmas is around the corner, and i still haven't made anything for tyler. i managed to get a letter out to him, and to a couple others too. and there have been postcards here and there...
but i haven't created anything.
and i thought that i had all these great ideas!!
but school is over cramping, and my head constantly hurts.
i long some nights to just tear out my eyeballs, or open up my skull, take out my brain and just give it a little bit of rest.
i'm stuck for ideas on what to make this boy.. partially because i want it to be perfect, partially because there's nothing stimulating my mind here.
rain rain rain..
(maybe i'll just make an umbrella or something. at least then it will be useful)
i can't wait to go home.. maybe i'll be able to make something there.. probably not, cause home can be just as bad..
i need some place new. and warm. and filled with light and love.
(cornerstone, come quickly please!)
maybe i'll just start by making every day a buy nothing day, at least as much as i possibly can.
ha, and what a wonderful time of year to start this amazing idea.
i'm such a tool

TURN OFF THE TV

good books;
the little prince - antoine de saint exupéry
off the map - kika and hib (a crimethinc book)
the empress of the world - sara ryan
white oleander - janet fitch
angela's ashes - frank mcCourt
evasion - another crimethinc book
the perks of being a wallflower - stephen chbosky
the catcher in the rye - j. d. salinger
48 shades of brown - nick earls
macbeth - william shakespeare
postsecret and mysecret - frank warren et al.
memoirs of a geisha - arthur golden
mr. was - pete hautman
the giver - lois lowry
the vagina monologues - eve ensler et al.
the lovely bones - alice sebold
blue like jazz - donald miller
the ragamuffin gospel (visual edition) - brennan manning
tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom
all the hits so far - bradley hathaway
girl, interrupted - susanna kaysen
spilling open - sabrina ward harrison
messy thrilling life - sabrina ward harrison







not a good book;
Canadian Women: A History

i would love to be reading anything but this right now.... but unfortunately, any of the books listed above are not going to help me on my final.

listen good..

so i was walking throught the UC the other day around lunchtime, and CFRU, our schools radio station was having a noon hour concert type thingy, and were broadcasting live from right there in the courtyard.
and then i heard this amazing band that i've fallen for completely. just a girl and a guy, and some keyboards.
but her voice! oh man.. it's so cool. deep and kinda sultry, but so beautiful.. and it seems so delicate. if you saw her, she looks delicate too, but also the kinda girl that could totally kick your ass.
check them out. they're called habitat..
www.myspace.com/habitation
my favourite song is a tie between next year and snow song.. next year is the only song that i heard them play live, and it was recording perfect..
guelph. you have saved yourself from disappointment by producing these two kids.

lamb

"what is that sound,
ringing in my ears?
the strangest sound i've heard for years and years
the sound of two hearts,
beating side by side
the sound of one love
that neither one can hide.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
what is that sound,
running round my head,
funny i thought,
that part was long since dead
but now there's new life
coursing through my veins
beacuse there's someone,
who made it beat again.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
the sound that makes the world go round.
what is that sound?
ringing in my ears
what is that sound
i've heard for years and years
the sound of two hearts
beating side by side
the sound of one love
that neither one can hide."



this song is sung so delicately it soars right through me like a sweet nectar.
i've found myself falling in love with old songs again and again recently.
this is probably because i've also found myself losing everything and just escaping with a pair of headphones and just dreaming days away.
time is moving too fast here at school, and then end is coming all too quickly. but at the same time, it's not going fast enough. i just want to be done, and free of this institution's rules and deadlines and find the real world.
but then again, the real world is filled with even more deadlines. and even more rules.
last night i was talking with someone very special to me about what heaven might be like.
our heads began hurting just trying to imagine what forever is really going to be like.
forever is really long time, and i'm so grateful that forever isn't going to be like this..moving to fast or too slow.
forever is going to be perfect.

dogwood

a new favourite: paul berthon and eugene grasset

i need to be enlightened...
renewed.
inspired.
rejuvinated
anything.

j'en ai besoin de quelques bonnes memoires pour vous...
serchez le cerveau

C# minor scale

i wish that i could be in peterborough right now, watching mel sing.
it's weird being in this house, cause i feel awkward just breaking out ina ny type of song, or even singing along with music.
i miss people who appreciate it as much as i do.
i miss singing with my bests.

i guess i'll just carry on

i would kill for some inspiration right now.
something to make me feel better.
this house is stifling, and not in a warm way.
but instead i just have cold feet and cold fingers and tired ears and a tired heart.
i want to come home. home with my Father, so i don't have to feel like this anymore.
no more hurt.
no more ignored.
no more overlooked.
no more silenced.
no more cold.
no more pain.
no more questioning.
just no more.
cause i'm really sick of it all.
but right now, that's all i have.

i miss sydney healey..
please come over to play sometime!!!

bibliothèque

so here i am just sitting in the library, waiting for class to come sooner so that i can get my midterm back.
i probably should be studying, since i stayed home this morning to do just that and ended up sleeping instead..but i guess my body needed it.
what my mind needs right now though is for someone to program it and for it to be 100% knowledgable in all things anthropology. safe to say i'm somewhat screwed, but as long as i pass i'm ok with that.
living is getting better, not easy. i've realized that there's always going to be problems of sorts, wherever you are.. even if it's with people that make you the happiest.
nothings going to be super perfect, or even close at all.
i was really not too happy earlier this week, with stuff going on in my life that sucked, but it's nice to know that mom's are always there to get you through..

i'm such a cheeseball.. and this post is stupid and pretty random. i'm kind just writing for the sake of writing, with nothing really important to say.. ugh.
i'm friggen lame.

more to come later.. hopefully something better, cause this is just dumb.





i have words that are longing to come out, but i just have to make sure that i'm ready to share them with the world.