creating something out of nothing only to destroy it

does your conscience ever get you?
last friday was buy nothing day.
did you buy something?
i did. i didn't even think about it at the time. the whole week before that friday, i kept seeing signs everywhere, reminding me. and i thought to myself that i would actually be able to listen to them. i think that it's a good idea. i know that everyone not buying something on one day out of the year isn't going to make a huge change in the world economy or something, but i thought that maybe, just maybe, this year, it would help make me think about how i spend my loonies.
but i ended up buying something. it was as if as soon as i left the university, and didn't have sydney around to remind me (which i'm sure that he would have), the day just didn't seem to exist anymore.
why is that? i mean, i completely supported the day, in mind and heart anyway, but i couldn't stop myself from supporting it in action.
last friday i bought myself dinner. i shouldn't have. i'm a stuggling student with NO money to spend on something so frivilous, and i could have made soemthing at home.
but i didn't.
and i can't figure out why.
why was it so hard to just make something?
making stuff in general seems to be hard lately, and i think that this is true for many people.
and it's not just food.
i have been wanting to make something for tyler's room pretty much since school started and we both went our separate ways. but i haven't yet.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my living conditions, which are constricting, spiritually and creatively... which i believe must go hand in hand.
sometimes i find it easy to blame it on my lack of time. there's "so much more that i should be doing instead"... i know that school should be a priority, but why is it that i always stop myself from doing something that i love, and that i want to do and pick up some books instead.
and then there's the tv. frig. i hate that box, and love it so much. i wish that i had never seen any shows ever, and then i wouldn't know what i was missing. drama drama drama.
my life has become a tv show, with so much drama in my house, yet i still find time to watch some tv.
eff word.
it's now exams, and christmas is around the corner, and i still haven't made anything for tyler. i managed to get a letter out to him, and to a couple others too. and there have been postcards here and there...
but i haven't created anything.
and i thought that i had all these great ideas!!
but school is over cramping, and my head constantly hurts.
i long some nights to just tear out my eyeballs, or open up my skull, take out my brain and just give it a little bit of rest.
i'm stuck for ideas on what to make this boy.. partially because i want it to be perfect, partially because there's nothing stimulating my mind here.
rain rain rain..
(maybe i'll just make an umbrella or something. at least then it will be useful)
i can't wait to go home.. maybe i'll be able to make something there.. probably not, cause home can be just as bad..
i need some place new. and warm. and filled with light and love.
(cornerstone, come quickly please!)
maybe i'll just start by making every day a buy nothing day, at least as much as i possibly can.
ha, and what a wonderful time of year to start this amazing idea.
i'm such a tool