romans 12:2

do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

today in class we discussed these 'subsitive posts' that's we have been writing all semester. i realized that my rants and ramblings were probably not necessarily what alan's wanted. this one too, perhaps, will fall into that category as well.
i admitted that i don't read the newspaper, or watch news on tv. i don't look up things out of random on the internet, and tend not to follow most political ongoings of the world. and i really don't know why either.
i try not to conform to the everyday ideals that society has set up. i think lots of people say that. but as a christian i believe that it's even more important that i don't follow all the stupid trends and everything out there. they're not right ( well, they're not wrong either too i guess), and they're not going to help me in any way.
but i also think that by not looking into the happenings of everything around me, i'm not learning anything. sure i'm going to class, and learning stuff that way. but it's history, and geography, and less about analyzing and thinking. it's 'know your facts' not 'what do you think?'. i'm not renewing my mind at all. i'm not learning anything that's going to help me in the future, unless i want to become a teacher. now i'm not saying that being a teacher is a bad thing, i just don't want to be one. i want to be important, and make an impact somewhere, but i feel like i'm not going to be able to reach anyone. not going to be able to relate.
i used to art for my teachers. now i'm learning that i need to do it for me. i'm learning that it doesn't matter what they think. i've learned this semester that some of them are crazy, and i'm not going to improve at all if i listen to what they have to say. if anything, they've made me want to quit. but i'm not going to do that. i'm just not going to take any more classes where there are so many restrictions, and every student comes out with the same painting.
that's not going to get me anywhere.
maybe just talking with my friends who are 'expanding their minds' to worldly things will give me my fill of socieities politics.
university. oh geez. what have you done to me.
i've never been so bored in my life. the readings have not been stimulating, so i usually don't do them. i'm not motivated, especially this week, because we're at the end.
what have i gotten from this besides an empty bank account.
this summer, i want to renew my mind. in every way possible.
think and talk and do.
and create. but just for me. and if it all sucks, i'm going to keep it and change it and make it something beautiful.
ugh. i need out of this cement prison and into a field to dance in my barefeet. just some time with me and the earth and the sky. and nothing else.
no world.
no books.
no computer.
no conflicts.
help me Father.
i want to be renewed in You.
i'm afraid that being here has made me start to conform where i don't want to. i want to start afresh. and come back in the fall the person that i want to be.
i think that you're supposed to 'find yourself at university'. i think that i've found what i don't want.
but i'm going to try again.